Let me begin by saying that I don’t love the N-word as such. That would be too much of an oversimplification. I just don’t feel that I am outraged by it as much as I could be, and definitely not as much as I should be. It’s rather that I have a somewhat complex relationship with it that has led to a sort of tolerance. As the grandchild of Afro-Caribbean migrants, like many of my ilk, I became aware that I was unlike much of the United Kingdom’s population from a very early age, and I became aware of the concept of racism not long after that. In my early childhood I wasn’t well versed in it, but I knew that both I and the N-word were heavily involved. Like many black children, I was conditioned to hate this word, and harbour extreme resentment to those who chose to use it. I was like a well-trained assassin, poised to eliminate anyone foolish enough to use this word.
So flashback to 2006, and one of my teachers (coincidentally, my least favourite) decided to show us Blazing Saddles one day during a lesson. Anyone who has seen this film will know how frequently race is addressed during the film, and sure enough within the first few lines one of the white characters dropped the N-Bomb. Like many of my fellow students I hadn’t seen this film before, and I was stunned into complete silence. I and the few black students that were in the class visibly tensed up the instant the word was used, just like we had been trained. We were ready to riot, but we failed to spring into action. The word was dropped again, and again as these characters continued to casually say it without pause. I failed to block, parry and counter every use of the word because I had been subdued by laughter. I was laughing at the very word had been taught to hate. I wondered if I had I defected?
It is as if they are trying to remind me of days gone past, of when my ancestors were slaves, when we were treated as sub-human
You see, the genius of Mel Brooks’ film was that it turned those that used the word into the butt of the joke by making them incompetent, idiotic bigots. By making fun of those who practiced racism, he seemed to have reduced their power. This changed my entire perception of the word, and my outlook on racists as people. I was now focusing on those that said it rather, than those it was aimed at. Don’t get me wrong, it still upsets me, but it’s more a sense of disappointment, that in this day and age someone feels that they can use this word to inflict pain. Oddly enough though what I also feel is pride. That’s right: pride. It’s an odd feeling to couple with such an ugly word, but that’s what I feel.
In my experience, those that have directed the word towards me had done so due to their anger, which was usually borne out of the insecurity and frustration that comes from perceived displacement. Their only way of dealing with these emotions was by projecting their own insecurities back on me, and they know that that N-word was a real doozy. It is as if they are trying to remind me of days gone past, of when my ancestors were slaves, when we were treated as sub-human. There’s almost a sense of them trying to reclaim ownership of me, and it is very unsettling that there are people who can so readily use that as a fallback position out of fear. By using that word to describe me, what they were actually saying to me was that they feared my success at the risk of their own, and the way I see it is that if that is how they felt, then I must be doing something right to seen as successful. However, I do not wish displacement on my own worst enemy. It is not fun. To be unsure whether you can provide for yourself or your loved ones is a real threat to much of society, especially among the working class and it is now becoming an all too familiar story.
There is a sense of camaraderie and understanding when using it among other young black people such as myself
One of the biggest issues with the N-word today is how readily it is used in modern pop culture especially in Hip-Hop. The attempted re-appropriation of the word was a solid idea in theory, but is starting to seem like a bad one in practice. There is a real fear now that the irresponsible use of it could lead to the word creeping back into the common vernacular. I have heard such phrases as “Whassup my n****r,” and “N****r please” being used by today’s younger generation without a sense of irony. It’s not their fault really. They are just trying to emulate their favourite stars. We have to remember that they have grown up in a world where this particular words historical significance isn’t as prevalent, which I guess was kind of the idea of the whole re-appropriation, however with the weight that this particular word carries, that might not be such a good thing.
That being said, I myself am guilty of using this word more than I care to admit. I can try and justify myself by saying that I use it in jest (usually directed at myself), or among friends, but does that make it any better? I however cannot deny how good it feels to use the word. There is this sense of camaraderie and understanding when using it among other young black people such as myself. Like a comforting hand on the shoulder, or a little nod of acknowledgment, as if to say we are going through the same thing together. You have to understand that to me it is incredibly liberating, and empowering to be able to use a word that is so negative and filled with venom, to mean something as powerful as brotherhood, or sisterhood. Maybe I’m wrong to use it this way, but this is simply how I feel, and I can’t deny that.
I was born in this country, and I attended the same English lessons where I learned about Shakespeare as many of you did
Even though I have said all this, I still don’t feel that the N-word is one to be used by anyone other than black people. I know, I’m a hypocrite, but I don’t believe that it has enough relevance to other races, especially Caucasians, for it to warrant use. When it is used by other groups it never feels that it comes from a good place, and so it can end up sounding awkward, and malicious, even when it isn’t intended to be. I know that there is a fascination with Hip-Hop culture and such, and there are those that are only imitating people they admire, but to us (or me at least) I can’t always tell if I’m being mocked or sucked up to, which are both things I don’t really appreciate. There are no special handshakes, or secret passwords that will get you a membership among the brethren. Talk to us as you would anyone else, because lo and behold we speak English too. I was born in this country, and I attended the same English lessons where I learned about Shakespeare as many of you did. It’s a whole social minefield. I appreciate that there are those who wish to immerse themselves in the culture, but that doesn’t require you to talk ‘black’ or act ‘black’. I know plenty of people who have immersed themselves in said culture, and have done so without following stereotypes. Conversely, there are black people who feel that they must act ‘black’ to be black, and that this makes them more black than me, but that’s a different topic for a different day.
At the risk of sounding like Yoda, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering
This isn’t a word that we should forget, mind you. It is a representation of how bad humanity can be to one another, and we should hold it up as an example so as not to make the same mistakes again. History is about studying our past successes and failures, and though it is all too easy and preferable to forget such failures, we should endeavour to remember so we can learn from them. By forcing things further back in time and stating things like “that was back then”, and “we’re not like that now” allows us to forget key bits of information that serve as warning signs to potential failures down the line. Look at the divisive spread of Islamaphobia. That in itself is a reminder of how quickly, and how comfortable it is for ‘decent people’ to slide. People’s fear of terrorist attack from Islamic extremist groups (where they increasingly forget to add the word ‘extremist’) feeds hatred of an entire religion, a hatred that is not so separable from race as some like to claim. At the risk of sounding like Yoda, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.
I guess what I’ve been trying to point out is that the N-word is an ugly word, and one that shouldn’t really be used, but we are in the middle of the process of eradicating it. If part of that means that I use the word from time to time, so be it. If we want to help move this process on we all need to deal with the rationale of those who use the word (myself included) rather than the word itself, otherwise we will still be having this discussion for generations to come.
